The Mayor of Simpleton

Went to see a show at Theatre 99 that some of my friends were putting on last night. The production was called Cabaret Kiki, and it was spectacular. Singing, dancing, short films, shadow puppetry, audience participation. The premiere performance sold out, and hopefully future showings will as well. Just before the show we had taken our seats and the theater was filling up fast. In the row in front of us, a man asked the guy next to him if he would watch the three seats he was saving while he went to meet his wife and her friend. Almost as soon as the guy walked away, this couple walked into the theatre and made a beeline for the three empty seats. The man who had left had placed his jacket and a couple of beers in the seats in question, so there was no doubt they were already occupied. The husband of the couple picked up one of the beers and set it on the floor, then asked no one in particular, "Is anyone sitting here." The guy who had been asked to watch the seats (by the way, I hate it when a total stranger asks me to hold a seat in a crowded theater. it's just a sucky feeling to have to tell person after person the seat is taken. you get all the dirty looks, and the guy you're looking out for does nothing) advised the man that the seats were already spoken for. The man then sat down in one of the seats and beckoned to his wife to do the same. "Um, there is already someone sitting there," said the seat-minder. "Well, now I'm sitting here," sniffed the seat-taker. I then recognized the seat-taker as a guy I've seen out at shows who basically shows up to be seen. Old guy, long greasy hair, bearing a more than passing resemblance to Bob Dylan. He spends a lot of the shows he's at talking over the performance, something I absolutely hate.
I can't let him get away with his current behavior.
I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, there is someone already sitting there." The guy ignored me. The seat-minder again tried to tell him someone is coming back, and the seat-taker said, "I don't see anyone." Again, I tapped the guy on the shoulder and said, "Okay, two people have now told you that someone is sitting in those seats." The seat-taker turned around and said, "Do you work here or somethin'?" "No," I replied. "Then mind your own business!" he spat.
What is this, second grade? Unfortunately, my rebuttal was at about that grade level. "What an asshole," I said loud enough for the next few rows to hear.
The original occupant of the seats then came back and of course there was an argument between the two, and fortunately the original seat-holder stood his ground. The seat-taker then came around and made sure to pass by on our aisle. As he passed, the grade school theatrics continued. "Thanks for nothin'," said he. "Kiss my ass," replied I. Not one of my better moments. The thing is, had I not recognized the guy as someone who continually annoys me at performances, I probably wouldn't have gotten involved. The dude needed to be taken down a peg or two though.
Speaking of seats, the same week we found out we were expecting, we bought a seat at Theatre 99 for $100. The comedy troupe who owns the theatre, The Have-Nots, were trying to raise money for a wheelchair lift, which the zoning board had told them was needed to comply with handicap regulations. The theatre is on the second floor of a building. The cost was expected to be $20,000. One of the ways the Have-Not's were raising dough was to sell each of the seats in the theatre for $100 apiece. In return for buying a seat you got a plaque put on one of those seats with an inscription of your choice. The picture above is our plaque, which interestingly enough we sat down two rows directly behind last night. The quote, "Making plans for Nigel," comes from a song by the same name by the band XTC.
We are indeed making plans for the baby, who...um, may or may not be named Nigel. Just wait until he's born and it will all become apparent.